Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
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WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Stonehinge
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
getting old is fun
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards