[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
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[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I need a headline like this
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.