Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
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If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
ATMs should have breathalyzers
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
A flock of dads is called a grill.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.