My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
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It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.