Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
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[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”