Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
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Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.