No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
You Might Also Like
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31