[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
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My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets