DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
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what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
at ease…shoulder.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
not for long
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.