My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
You Might Also Like
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.