Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
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I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then