I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
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I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor