Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
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Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*