an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
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My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.