To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
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“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Happy birthday to all the women
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”