Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
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I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.