Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
You Might Also Like
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Bit chilly again tonight.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
concern
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.