My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
You Might Also Like
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.