1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
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Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.