#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
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any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
They also CAN sing✌️
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile