Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
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Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am: