One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
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On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show