[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
You Might Also Like
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again