If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
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I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
an octopus is just a wet spider
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.