STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
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What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.