Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
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i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me: