Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
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Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.