When did white people become such fucking pussies?
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DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Barbie gone wild
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?