Omg like wtf
-me, praying
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Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Warm pools make me nervous.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off