Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
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HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].