My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
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Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?