Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
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When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.