When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
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[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.