2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
You Might Also Like
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Every haunted house movie:
This meal prepping shit easy
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”