How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
You Might Also Like
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Unimpressed
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation