If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
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*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared