Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
You Might Also Like
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Flowers bee like
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal