Rambo Rambow
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*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Labreador
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.