Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
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Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Friday night party time 🥳
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f