My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
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[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”