subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
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I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
From Facebook just now…
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
i choose….tongue
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
This anagram machine is out of order.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.