Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
You Might Also Like
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
My background check bounced.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”