I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
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Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk