it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
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‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Can’t, holding a grudge
bought wrong eggs
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.