alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
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Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Yup….perfect score!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives