The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
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Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
How I like cutting carbs
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Confused owl: What?!
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I just love that new Pope smell.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…