Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
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How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
United Steaks of America
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in