If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
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Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?