I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
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My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”