If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
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I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?